you should probably read this article. because guess what? the shrieking female fans.... that includes moi.

since i last updated (in dallas airport, the greatest airport in the world despite its four dollars for one strawberry - which is a story i will no doubt repeat to everyone in detail upon my return to new zealand) i have changed as a person. many times over.

i've been to savannah where there are cockroaches the size of the palm of my hand (more or less anyway) and got to be all ladylike in historic homes and eat soul food and paula dean fried chicken at lady and sons. i also discovered that corn bread is gross and that cream corn can be divine. and danced on a riverboat and was taught the electric slide.

i went to vegas where i found frank sinatra. and gambling. and netted a 25 dollar profit in roulette. i also found that i'm allergic to rides that spin you around to much (at circus circus) and that i love roller coasters more than i thought (and the photos that you have to pay $20 for at the end of the rides, which at the time ALWAYS seem worth it). in vegas i was caught up in theme hotels and elvis impersonators and lying poolside for hours on end listening to pop music loudly. fyi the sahara might just be the best hotel that ever there was.

now i'm in LA. hollywood to be precise. and i have become star obsessed. this is probably how stalkers start off. it began with seeing former all black michael "ice man" jones at LAX. and then putting my hands in julie andrews' hand prints and discovering we were a perfect match and that she had signed the imprint on the 26th of march. which is MY BIRTHDAY. destiny! and also frank sinatra is right next to julie andrews. which given my vegas experience was like a destiny double whammy. and then this morning seeing ricki and then going to universal studios and almost seeing adam sandler, then going to the filming of the hottest new warner brothers sitcom "the big bang theory".... the stars are not just in the sky and on the walk of fame... they are also in my eyes. things were looking really great when the paper said morrissey was playing in hollywood on thursday. but the paper lied and so i'm currently feeling a bit weapy. but that could also be the thoughts of the holiday nearly being over.... the only way this will be bearable is if the ice man is on the same flight to dorkland on saturday. we would have so much to catch up on. i haven't seen him since that time in the bnz foodcourt when i was 14. ahh the memories...

right, i'm off to bed. it is exhausting being on holiday.

the thing is i'm going half way around the world to drink mint juleps on a savannah porch. but the sad truth is, i don't like them.

i had my first last night, here pictured...


and wowser. i'm still drunk basically days later. i checked with google and my bartender made it right. but honestly the "sickly sweet" juleps criticised in this article sound like sweet sweet relief. next time i will ask for it to be made sickly sweet. because even with mint it just tasted like straight bourbon. i'm sure you're worried about how i will fit in in savannah if i can't handle my bourbon julep. don't worry - apparently locals prefer their bourbon with sweet sweet cola. it will be like visiting the hutt on a friday night. and i will fit right in.

incidentally i had my julep at matterhorn. i am not a matterhorn fan. it is too cool for school. and it has posers as installation art or something. its cousin mighty mighty is more my scene. but what matterhorn has going for it is that you think of a cocktail and chances are it is on their menu. at first i thought the sixteen dollar price tag outrageous, but then i was reading my religious sites and saw this article. okay to be honest i don't routinely read religious sites but this one talked about mint juleps. if you can't be bothered reading the link let me summarise: one thousand dollar mint juleps to pay for the retirement of thoroughbred horses. this makes me think the sixteen dollars was reasonable. or more reasonable. given my companion couldn't finish theirs maybe ten dollars would have been better. anyway, you live and learn. next week: i learn to love manhattans for my NY leg of the trip. also, suggestions for cocktails are welcomed for hawaii, boston, las vegas and LA.

dear miss winfrey

congratulations on you and steadman celebrating twenty years as a couple. i understand he showered you in gifts and took you back to the restaurant in chicago where you had your first date. it sounded very romantic, and i'm sure he was delighted by the gold watch you bought him. noone can have enough watches.

twenty years is a long time, and over this time you and steadman have had many opportunities to celebrate your love publicly. who can forget the episode of your show where steadman came on and showed the men in the audience how to dance at a formal occassion? to be honest i fell a little in love with him at that point. however, for some couples - without the opportunities you two have had - public declarations really are limited to weddings. which brings me to a story about a good friend of mine, and the purpose for my e-mail to you.

about two years ago my very best friend in the entire universe was living in new york and met the love of his life. they are engaged now and the wedding is scheduled for september. as his very best friend in the entire universe i have every intention to be there and celebrate the very special bond between he and his soon to be bride. not only would it be my opportunity to support my very best friend in the entire universe (as he is getting married half a world away from his hometown, where there would have been an abundance of support, but being a selfless man he chose to allow his bride to be to be near her family - plus he has found it hard to make friends in new york due to his long working hours) but it would be a chance for me to remember my own spirit by sharing the obvious and wonderous love between my very best friend in the entire universe and his bride.

the difficulty for me is the fiancial barriers to me joining my friend in new york. to begin with i live in new zealand which, while being close to middle earth, is very far indeed from new york. with my student loan, which i acquired while studying to be a lawyer to help raise my family from poverty, and its repayments and my low income, having steered clear of corporate law, new york does not seem possible.

i want to be in new york to show the US of A that my friend is loved in new zealand too and to give him the wedding he deserves. but without your help this doesn't seem feasible. i have watched many episodes of your show and understand you have an angel network. so the point of my email is a request for you to find it in your heart to continue your good work as an angel and support my trip to new york.

i look forward to your response. indicative costs are $4,500 in flights, if i fly coach. of course you may want to fly me first class in which case i could find an alternative quote should you need it.

yours

homeperm

ps: the wedding is in new york but there are pre wedding events in hawaii, followed by post wedding engagements in savannah, georgia (you went there once on the release of the movie midnight in the garden of good and evil, remember) and in los angeles. if celine still has her las vegas show you should also know it is my life's ambition to see her live.

pps: i would also be available to appear on your show if required.

so, what do you think? too much about my "best friend in the entire universe"? i tried to reference her show as much as possible. i was going to talk about how she started a girls school in south africa but any links just seemed to forced. keep it simple and off the cuff i reckon. also, does anyone have her email address?

i have decided reading a good book can make me want to go to where it is set. take midnight in the garden of good and evil as an example - a great book, which made me want to drink mint juleps in savannah.



the other thing that makes me want to go somewhere i've never been is to see a movie that has a hot actor. so for example john cusack when he was in the movie version of midnight in the garden of good and evil, which made me want to drink mint juleps in savannah.



another powerful motivator for me is music. like how listening to outkast, especially big boi, makes me want to drink mint juleps in savannah.



all of these things have combined and now it looks like i will spend my life savings to go to savannah. i CANNOT wait.