my cousin died this week. he was twenty. it is tragic.

when i found out i was in paihia. with coworkers. i've been on the road. preaching to the masses about the value of my work and how they can add to it. or something. and getting told i'm only young, that i'm sweet and that i lack cynicism. i was angry. but when put into perspective these are not such bad things.

i was sad about my cousin at first. but it didn't really register. my boss took me for a walk along the beach at paihia (pictured) i guess to give me space. but instead i took a photo. frankly, i'm surprised it isn't a self portrait.


i drove to kauriki. the marae sort of near taumarunui. and i cried buckets. i don't think i've been to a funeral for anyone young before. and i didn't realise how much it physically hurts. and instead of supporting my uncle, which was my intention, i couldn't look at him because he is heart broken and i don't know what to do.

i knew my cousin more when he was young. as he got older, and after my uncle split up with my cousins mother, i saw him less and less. and i hadn't actually seen him for around three or four years. the last time he was talking to me about what kind of music i liked and i thought he was an annoying kid who couldn't possibly understand how complex my musical tastes were.

but i think i missed out. according to his friends he used to kiss people on their foreheads. i love it when boys kiss me on my forehead. and apparently he used to play with his food. hilarious. i might start doing that from now on.

one thing this has done is make me desperate for time with my family. i mean, don't get me wrong. they are not perfect. and they drive me to the brink of insanity. and some i'd rather not actually have a conversation with. but this was a hard couple of days. it has made me more tolerant.

the other thing it has done is make me miserable. i know that by the burial there should have been enough tears and you should feel cleansed and left with happy memories. but that is not how i feel. i want to cry buckets again and eat chocolate. since i've already done the latter on the drive home, i think it could be a night for crying buckets. thank goodness i still have a flu which means i still have plenty of tissues.